No Country for Old Gnomes: The Tales of Pell by Kevin Hearne & Delilah S. Dawson

Author:Kevin Hearne & Delilah S. Dawson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Del Rey
Published: 2019-04-14T23:00:00+00:00

“The Skyr is home to two sub-subterranean cities. From the city underneath Okesvaa we get wondrous inventions. From the city underneath Bigly-Wicke we get nothing but corruption, orders for takeout food, and backed-up sewers.”

—HELMI PIIPPOLA, in Navigating the Perils of Public Plumbing

When the elevator stopped and the doors opened, the smöl people all gasped and said, “Ooooh” and “Wow,” and the wildeboast said, “I told you so,” and Gerd trilled in pleasure. Faucon carefully schooled his expression, but even he was impressed. The City of Underthings was a legend halflings either disdained or ridiculed, but its reality was even more wondrous than the wildeboast had promised.

The ceiling was much higher than he’d expected, higher even than the one in Eino’s workshop, and he was glad Gerd would not have to duck her head to walk around. She might even be able to fly, but only at risk of colliding with other flying things and crane hooks and whatnot. It was a very busy place, but a series of color-coordinated lights, well-placed signage, and traffic-conducting automatons promised an orderly sort of rule.

The wildeboast led them along, pointing out this or that architectural wonder and appearing to gain great pleasure from their expostulations. Faucon did his best to remain unintrusive, keeping his body between Gerd’s bulk and the grouping of the ovitaur and her automaton. Eventually a party of gnomes greeted them with great pomp, and Wilbore turned to face Agape.

“I will leave you now, fair Vartija and friends, but please know that you are without a doubt the finest Vartija I have ever met, being the first one, and that I shall record you in my memory banks with the same fondness with which you shall forever recall me, Wilbore, the most amazing—”

An older gnome with fantastic posture stepped forward, smiling. “That will be all, Wilbore. Thank you for your most exemplary service. Please return to your post.” The wildeboast bowed and returned the way they’d come, softly boasting to himself about what a phenomenal job he’d done at walking away.

These gnomes did not wear cardigans, it seemed, instead favoring red overalls garnished with tool belts; they also sported helmets and goggles. They appeared clean, outside of oil smudges that suggested an appropriate level of crafting, which Faucon appreciated.

“I am Hellä Traktiv, kaupunginjohtaja of the City of Underthings for the second quarter. It is such an honor to have you visit us, Agape Fallopia. But wait.” Hellä craned her head this way and that to see around Gerd, and Faucon put his shoulders back and stepped forward, prepared for the moment he’d grown to hate. “Why have you brought a halfling into our orderly city?” she shouted. Faucon refused to flinch, even as gnomeric weapons and bung wrenches appeared in every hand, all pointed directly at him.

Agape rubbed a place on her forehead. “His name is Faucon. He’s a good guy. He’s not a drub. He’s helping us. How faaar do I have to get on this quest before people stop letting their prejudice gum up the works? You’re wasting valuable time.

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